PITTSBURGH—Noting how eagerly he listed off the city’s wide array of live entertainment, dining options, and shopping outlets, sources confirmed Monday that 31-year-old Michael Nelson had somehow reached the conclusion that it was less depressing to go to Las Vegas for something other than gambling.
“I don’t want to spend my entire trip sitting inside a casino all day when there’s so much stuff to see and do there,” said Nelson, speaking as if indulging in a 200-dish buffet, touring a celebrity wax museum, or viewing various hotels’ outdoor fountains were not equally tragic reasons to visit the city.
“I definitely want to check out that Eiffel Tower they’ve got, and the tiger show, too. One of those hotels even has canals in it just like Italy. I’ve got to see that.”
Sources later confirmed that Nelson had apparently duped himself into believing that spending $100 on tickets to see Criss Angel Believe was somehow preferable to losing it at the slots.
CDC Rolls Out Fleet Of Narcan Biplanes To Fumigate Opioid-Ravaged Small Towns
ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled out a new fleet of Narcan-equipped biplanes Monday to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns nationwide.
“It’s become obvious that half measures will not remedy this crisis, so the next step is for CDC aircraft to spray communities decimated by addiction with atomized opioid blockers,” said acting CDC director Anne Schuchat, adding that every one of the Boeing-Stearman Model 75 biplanes purchased by the agency has been retrofitted with 800-gallon aerosol canisters capable of dispersing enough Narcan to restart the hearts of every man, woman, and child in the United States roughly 28 times.
“We’ll be dropping Narcan over residential neighborhoods, parks, alleyways, schools—any conceivable place where opioid abuse or overdose may occur. Our goal is to run these biplanes continuously, replenishing fuel and Narcan midair when possible.
Hopefully, this will enable us to administer aerial applications of the opiate antidote every few minutes.” At press time, CDC officials were troubled by incoming reports that millions of citizens across the nation had already become addicted to the gas.
CNN Panelists Warn North Korea Situation Way Too Complex For Them To Discuss Intelligently
ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently.
“Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the complicated geopolitical situation in North Korea and will instead spout the dumbest things possible,” said CNN Tonight host Don Lemon, who noted that the interwoven alliances and competing interests of nations like China and Japan made it impossible for a group of six random pundits to do anything but repeat meaningless platitudes, provide uninformed guesses, and start yelling at each other.
“We can say ‘Trump’s a dealmaker,’ and we can repeat Kim Jong-un’s name a few times, but with so many intricate, unclear problems, you should realize that we can’t offer anything that even comes close to resembling real insight.
Dealing with North Korea requires patience, tact, and a strong grasp of the multifaceted realities on the ground, none of which are possessed by any of the generic campaign strategist washouts who we hire at CNN.”
Lemon also warned that the North Korea situation was likely to continue deteriorating if viewers didn’t turn off CNN and read something written by an actual expert.